Don’t Ask Me That!

So I’m listening to the radio at work this morning and the show hosts were questioning callers regarding whether they would be pissed if a man said “should you be eating that?”. This, to me, falls in the category of questions that will get you pimped slapped. So I thought, wouldn’t it be nice if I help the fellow man by giving him a list of the top questions/statements that would avoid him receiving the evil eye from a woman he likes?
Should you be eating that?- Nothing makes me feel more like a moo-cow than me being in the middle of a deliciously fattening meal, doing my little chair dance with every bite only to be interrupted by a dude with a disapproving glance asking me this question with the allegedly questionable food on my fork headed towards my mouth. Now, it doesn’t matter the size of the girl, it is offensive all around. If I am overweight, thanks for basically calling me fat. If I mentioned trying to drop a few, thanks but I don’t need your input. I already know the chocolate covered French fries wont’ help me on this quest and I don’t need you hovering over me monitoring my food intake. If I’m thin, thanks but stay off my plate, women shouldn’t be penalized if we choose to eat things that aren’t on the rabbits food list. I see you enjoying your ribs, let me enjoy mine too!
Are you on your period?- You know what? Sometimes we get angry for good reason and it’s not associated with being on a menstrual cycle. Nothing says “you are angry for no good reason” or “I don’t value your feelings/opinion” more than blowing us off with this dismissive question. I am angry because someone did something to piss me off and I need to express said anger. My anger is not always hormonal just as yours is not so give me the benefit of the doubt and assume I am rationally angry until I prove otherwise.
Calm down!- Here’s a secret guys, you know what this question does to women? Makes them less calm! Half the reason is because they probably were initially quite calm just a bit peeved or anxious which you didn’t want to deal with and thus throw out this often misused phrase. We recognize that’s what happened and then get angrier which leads to us being less calm. It’s a vicious cycle. Instead say let the person (us) rant a bit till we tire ourselves out and then talk. Or interrupt with “I hear what you are saying” or “you seem really bothered by this” (yes I am a licensed mediator).
Can we watch this game/fight/match first?- Two answers: Yes, but be prepared for me to fall asleep…angry. No, because I know this game is going to take forever and whatever I wanted to originally do we will miss or be late for or whatever I asked you to do won’t get done which will in turn lead me to be angry which you will then ask “are you on your period” which will make me irate and then you will say “calm down” and you see where this is going? Just DVR it and keep it moving!
Are you ready yet? – NO!!! I’m not. Because if I was ready, I’d say “I’m ready” or I’d be done doing whatever I was in the middle of doing before you came in and asked me that question for probably the fifth time. I realize it might take women twice as long to get ready than guys to go out but if you want us to go out on your arm looking more like Beyonce and less like Ceelie (from The Color Purple), you will allow us the time to beautify and not delay the process by questioning us or telling us you are leaving. We don’t need the pressure and it puts us in a bad mood. Just sit back and watch the game we made you DVR above.
And then there are the regular first meeting questions you don’t ask like- how old are you, how much do you weigh, is that your real hair, how many people you slept with, do you want to get married (don’t talk about something with us that you might not do with us). Hope this helps!

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