Disappearing Acts

There’s a dark area of dating that almost everyone experiences but no one talks about (except on maybe Sex and the City). You meet a guy (or girl) have a great time and think there is real potential only for the person to just disappear out of the blue. You sit confused trying to figure out what went wrong. You talk to your friends and retrace your steps but nothing leads to a satisfying answer. Miranda (in SATC) mentioned that she liked to think they died and in one episode of a guy who stood her up, he actually did die (she met a new guy at his funeral though).  I slightly modified this and stated that they go ghost but apparently this is also now a term in the urban dictionary so I wasn’t so unique. I have a friend who wonders if they have all gone to an island. Kind of like the Misfit Toys although I much prefer it be like the island on Lost (which was, if I understood it right, purgatory so its going ghost too).

No matter where thesth0IPBMLOJe people go the outcome remains that the disappearance is frustrating. I’m not talking about someone you’ve had a few superficial, short chats with on the phone or over text or maybe had one short date with. If you disappear after a uniquely long date (3 or more hours), weeks of conversation, or after going out on several dates where chemistry was hopefully present then the least a person can do is be a man (or woman) and say, “you know what, I just don’t think we have that connection” or “I ran into my soul mate after leaving our date”. I don’t know, something better than ignoring a person.

And there is no pattern. In this superficial, digital age, anyone can go ghost: a nerd, a jock, a playboy, young, old, white, black, male, female. You can play over each conversation or look you had on the dates (did you have a boogie, does that qualify for going ghost?). Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Because going ghost is a punk, lazy thing to do. And as nice as we profess to be, when it comes to dating, even a sweetheart can become the perpetrator of a disappearing act. It’s just so easy.

The key for those who “get ghosted” is to not internalize it. Stop wondering what went wrong, maybe nothing went wrong. Maybe the guy (or girl) is a flake who got easily distracted by another person. Or as Patti Stranger (The Millionaire Matchmaker) says, perhaps the person is constantly on the search for the “bigger, better, deal”. You could be a Beyoncé look a like with a Michelle Obama mind and the guy still make be looking for something “better”. And living in a transient area like D.C. that is often the case since there are so many women and so many new people coming and going. I take great comfort when those guys who have gone ghost on me looking for the bigger better deal are still single or try to rear their ugly heads again my way. Since they are ghost I have no problem ignoring them, since I don’t have a sixth sense and cannot see dead people.

And if the guy is not somebody who is searching for better but maybe just was super picky or analytical about the way you look or something you said do you really want that turd? I once knew a guy who didn’t like women who wore weaves. Everything else about the girl was fine with him though. Again, this is not a problem that is yours, it’s the other persons and you’d never feel comfortable being with someone so picky or flaky anyway.

And of course, well, the person really could have died. Then that would be sad. Perhaps we should just pray for the souls of those who go ghost. What with them being dead and all.

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