SATC Talk: Girl Code

I know this will come as a big surprise but I am a huge fan of Sex and the City. I will watch it all these years later and still find it totally relevant. So I wonder what a 30 something Carrie/Charlotte type o gal would say about some of her favorite episodes and how they applied to life 11 years after the series ended. So enter my series of posts called SATC Talk.

sex-and-the-city-season-1_71001357So watching the first season of SATC doesn’t get me the girlfriend vibe that the later seasons do but few fun series start with a bang and the first season still held many relatable messages and themes. One thing from the pilot episode I recall was the very ending when Samantha hooked up with the guy Charlotte had just finished having a very respectable date with (he wanted to hook up, she did not). I wasn’t clear if Samantha knew or not that he was Charlotte’s date but it got me thinking about girl codes. I have a few that I just assume all women know, let me know if you disagree or if I’m missing some.

1) Well the first SATC episode showed it- Don’t mess with my ex or even a guy I just randomly dated. Nothing feels right about that and I just see future awkwardness. This seems a no brainer but some women have levels of this. For instance if they get prior approval (guess they don’t mind asking the friend), if the relationship happened a certain amount of time ago, if the relationship wasn’t that serious. I’d just prefer the friend be wise enough to tell the difference and weigh the worth of asking. If its a guy I took to the junior prom as just a friend- go for it. If it’s a guy I seriously dated five years ago- don’t ask, you should know better. If its a guy I just broke up with (I’m looking at you alleged friend on Being Mary Jane) well I guess you don’t care about the friendship and are comfortable with the new name THOT.

2) We all get drinks- If a dude offers to buy you a drink and your friend is standing there, here’s to hoping he’s gentlemanly enough to offer your friend a drink as well. If he is not, make it happen. Become Oprah if you have to- you get a drink, you get a drink! What’s not cool: sipping on your syrup while your friend is looking dry mouthed and sad.

3) Don’t spill my tea! If I tell you a secret or something personal and ask you to keep it to yourself, in the voice from The Color Purple- “you bet not tell nobody but God”. I don’t believe in that boyfriend and husband don’t count crap. Sure they do. And if you operate under that logic, I won’t tell you so much as my shoe size.

4) Non compete clause- I don’t compete with my friends and I don’t like if I’m accused of it. Dems fighting words. You get the attention from the guys, what can I do about that? If I see you smoozing it up with a dude, I won’t block. We are all in this dating fight together and should be helping, not hurting.

5) Don’t tag me in pictures if I’m not looking cute- This is one for the current age. But ya’ll know what I mean. If we take a group photo and you come out looking like Halle Berry and I some how end up looking like Wanda from In Living Color, cut me out, don’t tag me on facebook or instagram. That is not a friend.

What are your girl codes?


Sharing is caring?

So some time ago I caught an episode of the talk show The Real where they discussed friendship. Tamar Braxton (ghetto fabulous and cracks me up) said she stopped being friends with two women she introduced who then became friends and hung out without her. Her reaction seemed extreme but I get how a person could be hurt when people you introduce to each other go out without you. I once had a friend in a joking matter (I think) complain that I stole his friend away from him.large

As a general practice I very easily share my friends and those friends become friends with each other. I typically don’t mind it. But then I’ll admit, I do get a bit miffed if those friends don’t share their friends. If the sharing is not reciprocated I get bothered. Then I start to wonder if I should rethink being so open with my friendships. Some of my friends do share their friends but I have some that don’t and I can’t help but give the squinty eyed sideways look and wonder if maybe they don’t like me enough to introduce me to their other friends. Hey, i’m type A and I over think things.

And when my friends who I have introduced become tight, well it feels like I been friendship jacked. You never saw Miranda hanging with Samantha without Carrie (unless she was with her man). And Dorothy held the Golden Girls together. When they had that series Gold Palaces without her, well, there was a reason it was only one season. Sorry, I will forever use Sex and the City and Golden Girls in my analogies.

Ultimately, as long as folks aren’t hanging out without you or not inviting you out then there is nothing to be bothered by. Some people don’t make friends that easily and I have always put myself out there to make friends and have been pretty lucky in that department and for that I’m thankful. But sometimes, sometimes, it’s nice to have a separate circle or pal to confide in that doesn’t know everybody your know and is your own.

Is Black Still Beautiful in the Dating World?

Recently I caught an episode of Being Mary Jane where she discussed the idea of beauty in Black women. I’ve done post about this before  but I have to wonder about this idea. I did a search online with “black women are” and the first things I got were : ugly, easy, stupid, less attractive. And apparently black women are the least desirable group when it comes to online dating. When I did online dating I am often amazed to see how many men do not have black as a preffered race for dating. Then scratch my head when some of these same men then write to me. Was this by mistake? Did you think you could just give it a “shot” and see what it was all about (as was told to me once by a guy) because apparently we are an “experience”?

We are also a group that has our beauty picked apart like no other. If we color our hair a certain way we are ghetto, if we wear a weave we don’t love ourselves. We are also lumped in the same group despite our individuality.

And how diversified is the Bachelorette/Bachelor? Do the brown contestants make it far? What if they looked less like brown Barbie dolls and more “natural” – darker skin or kinky hair?

People were up in arms when Mrs. Obama appeared on Black Girls Rock but, darn it, no other female group is berated like us. It’s not about saying all other girls suck but about us taking a stand to love and appreciate us when others may not.

"Black Girls Rock!" BET Special

2015 Black Girls Rock presenters (including Mrs. Obama in the off the shoulder white dress looking like Fire!)

I can go out with a group of friends in my town (D.C. area) and see that the standard of beauty that is most appreciated here is light skin, less kinky hair and a smaller frame among men of all races. I have witnessed more than once a black man approach a group of women and buy drinks only for the non black or lighter skinned women. This is a pretentious town, of course, but the idea that brown is not a popular ideal of beauty even among other brown people is disturbing.

I believe in my own beauty and have traveled enough to know that this sentiment is not everywhere but I can’t help the feeling that we have gone wrong somewhere. I’ve seen beautiful women of all brown shades, celebrities, educated, average girls and so forth face a tougher battle in the path to love. One woman being interviewed on a talk show ( a biracial female who was listed in Maxims hottest women list even) said she was “disturbingly single”. That is a perfect statement that comes to mind when I read statistics that show black women have far lower numbers of marriage rates before the age of 40 than the other races (something like 70 percent which gets me to my fainting couch). Side note:The percentage of unmarried black women lessens in our 50s which seems to show that we do marry just marry later (late 30s/early 40s), which is still problematic and could be a discussion on its own.

So what’s the fix? More positive images of black women in social media? More support of our beauty from black men and even other men? More self celebration in our own group of our beauty (like Black Girls Rock)? Maybe it’s all of it. The one take away for me is that we must stay positive and not let the statistics, stereotypes, and racism affect how we see ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world. With that positive spirit sooner or later others will see that they have been missing out!

The Friends Every Gal Needs…And Doesn’t Need


Whether you are a urban, suburban, or country girl, you have to have a good friend or two or three. I was in a retrospective mood one day and thought about some of my best friendship experiences in my life. Whether you have a friend for a lifetime, a season or a reason we are not islands and we are meant to have someone (out side of family and romantic partners) to share our lives with. I am a firm believer that friendship is important whether I am married, a parent or chilling in a nursing home.

So here are my list of the top friends every gal needs and the top friends every girl should avoid.


Mentor- Not every friend can be all things, sometimes they have that one true purpose for you and an informal mentor in your sister-friend roster is a must. I usually encounter them at work and they are older and wiser and having them in my life has aided me successfully in my career and personal life. That’s my Sophia.sophia

Ride or Die- Not that I plan to commit a crime but if I ever were to loose my mind, it’s good to have a friend who’ll be there to bail me out or sit in the cell with me because she was my partner in crime. Or at the very least a friend who will trek over to give me soup and cold medicine when I’m too sick to go on my own to get it. That’s the Thelma and Louise.

Positive- Whether we tell them we appreciate them or not everyone needs a friend who will be there to lift you up and offer a kind and encouraging word. That’s the Sinclair.sinclair

Funny- This is an easy one. I like to laugh and I like to crack jokes. It’s important to have a friend to kid around with and chuckle it up with over a good brunch, on a trip, over email or while binge watching a favorite show on the couch.

Inspirator- Kay, so I made this word up but the point of it will make sense. We all need that friend who is doing big things, following their dreams, reaching a goal. Whether it’s being stylish and influencing us to look a bit fancier or them crossing something off their bucket list which inspires us to reach a goal of our own, it’s important to have a friend that we kind of look up to which in turn motivates us to do better.


Judgmental- I really don’t dig a friend who likes to air her disapproval of everything. If I don’t feel like I can talk to you and not be chastised then I probably won’t reach out to you. I don’t mean to  suggest friends shouldn’t give each other reality checks but there are ways and times to do it.phaedra

Undependable/Flakey- This is simple. If I call you and you constantly don’t respond or never can help when I need a favor or cancel at the last minute, then why are we friends?

Mean spirited- I don’t want a mean girl friend, a hater, a back stabber, someone who tells my business or tries to start mess with me and other people! That is all. kenya

User- I don’t want a friend that always takes and never gives. And that could be emotionally, financially and time wise. I am no one’s sponsor, servant, assistant, parent or fan club. Friendship is a two way street.

Fake- This one is the worst of all. Sometimes we mistake people  for being good friends who are just around to have someone else to  party with or when the time are good. They aren’t people to tell your secrets to, to call when the chips are down or expect anything meaningful from. As long as you know that’s what they are, someone to party with on a Saturday night, then you’ll be okay. It’s when you mistake them for more that you get your feelins hurt. nene