I had a guy friend read my blog once and he told me that this blog comes from a purely female perspective. Yeah, I get that, I’m female. When I blog on the ideas of dating (although I talk about other things as well: travel, friendship, urban living) it stems from a female mind who wrote a fictional romantic comedy novel about dating (The Mission) and watches hours of old Sex and the City reruns. I’ve also watched a ton of dating guru shows and been to a couple of workshops (I am a research type A person).
So when said male friend told me it could use a male perspective I was all for that. I am still VERY open to getting male guest bloggers so email/inbox/direct message me if you are willing and able. However, in the meantime I decided to seek out some guys and ask some questions that darn near every gal I know has asked at some point in her dating life. From my female perspective and having dated for many years now, I can assume the answer to these questions I posed my friends simply is: he’s just not that into you.
But is that all? What does that mean if we make these assumptions? If we are assuming correctly, what’s the female takeaway? What do these responses say about the state of dating today and how we should navigate in the relationship world?
So here are the questions that some males were kind enough to answer. I will not share their identity. Some are single, some are married, some are dads, some are white collar, some are blue collar, some are in the city, some are in the suburbs, they are early millennial/ late generation x (in their 30s), some are more “flirtatious” than others. I’ll break this up over a couple of post so that this doesn’t read like a thesis paper. Here are the first few questions and a summary of their responses with my takeaway:
- You call/text back hours (or even a day) later because your phone died (or you left it at home). Is that for real? Ok, sometimes a guy doesn’t hear the text or his phone really did die or he left it at work. But…it’s most often because they just don’t feel like talking to you (for many different reasons- they aren’t that into you, they might just be lazy and not want to be bothered by anyone outside of their mama/papa/child) or they are juggling other women and can’t be that attentive to one person.
The reality is, I think we women deep down know the difference between when a guy has left his phone and when he is just not that pressed to respond to you, whether we want to admit it or not (plus I’m sure some of us have done the same). Sure, you might give the first time it happens the benefit especially if this wasn’t something the guy was doing in the beginning. But if it starts off like that then you can assume the interest is not strong.
2. Why does he continue to text/call but doesn’t make plans to see you again? He has a remote interest but just isn’t sure (perhaps there is another girl (or multiple women or a wife) he is juggling. Basically, the connection isn’t strong enough that you hold his undivided attention. This doesn’t mean things can’t change but it also means that he simply just wants a possible “cuddy buddy” and keeps you at not too great a distance to keep that door open. Or he could be blowing you off.
Are you willing to wait for who knows how long to determine whether it’s just a guy who is taking things super slow or rather one who has someone else? I think one’s patience on this kind of thing all depends on what we are ultimately looking for. If I’m ready to settle down and want something serious sooner rather than later, then putting up with a text buddy/pen pal type of situation seems like bit of a waste of time. That and my cat fish o meter starts going off if we’ve never met in person.
3. Why is he late but doesn’t tell you that he is running late? Stopping to tell you he’s late will just make him later (assuming he doesn’t have blue tooth), he just doesn’t care (because he’d call if he was running late for work), or he’s afraid of upsetting you and rather ask for forgiveness later.
His lateness is just a sign of things to come and he will continue to be this way if you put up with it. Sure, everyone runs a little late every now and then but if you express that you don’t appriciate the lack of heads up and he still does it, it just might be his thing and it’s not going to change. Some people are just late people.
4. Why is he looking to make just new friends on a dating site? He’s looking for a cuddy buddy
This is one I think we already knew the answer to but just want confirmation. Most guys aren’t going to come right out and say they are just looking for someone to “hook up” with so saying they are looking for friends seems the nicer way to go. If they are really looking for friends they would join social sports or Meet Up.
Morale of part one, when in doubt, trust your gut. Guy behavior may seem like a mystery to us but I think they are more straight forward than we think and it’s us getting in our own heads that makes us ignore the reality of the dating situation. When a guy really likes us, we will feel it. No questions.