SATC Talk: The Good Fight: Reality Check On Living With Your Significant Other

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In Season 4 Episode 13 Aiden moves into Carrie’s small  little apartment (we never see Aiden’s pad but I wonder how logical it was to move into an efficiency if he had something bigger). Needless to say he (along with his dog) was cramping her style big time.

This fight is all to familiar. I have had the experience of having a live in boyfriend and lemme tell ya, it’s not all peaches and cream (yum, peaches and cream oatmeal is my favorite, side track!). Sure the idea initially sounds lovely but for a Type A gal sharing a space with another is a lesson in compromise and tolerance. Like Carrie, a past boyfriend moved in to my space. He didn’t require a lot of room thankfully because I have more shoes, clothes and purses than I should really have. But making space was the easy part. Hard part for a type A gal? Well let me count the ways:

1) Noise. I’m a light sleeper and having another not sleep on my schedule was difficult. They’d be up watching TV and I’d be tossing and turning ready to scream from the noise of the TV. And the snoring- The Horror, The Horror!

2) Mess. I’m not super duper neat but I’m tidy enough.  I used to  (operative word being “used” to”) have a regimen of cleaning house and doing laundry every Saturday morning. Bits from my childhood. Not an easy task to keep up with if another is around who doesn’t do the same or keep the place nice in between cleanings.

3) Accountability. You aren’t alone now. You have to let others know of your coming and goings or they will worry. And you will worry about them as well.

4)Privacy. It’s pretty much gone. If I’m walking around in my ratty T shirt, green face mask and hair in rollers, welp, he’s there to watch it. If I’m in the bathroom too long, he’s there to knock on the door to ask what’s taking so long, or he’ll just bust in.

5)Quiet. After a long day at work you just need that peace. When you have a partner living with you that instant relaxation (especially for an introvert like me) is not abundant. And the time to do creative hobbies (like writing) is something you have to fight to get.

But there are good things about having a partner living with you. The companionship, laughing at sitcoms together, playing games together, cooking (especially if you like to cook or he prefers to cook when you don’t), the team work, the back up, among other things. If there’s real love there, all the other annoying things don’t matter. As this clip below shows perfectly, sometimes the space we think we need is all in our heads.

Fast forward to 1:40

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SATC Talk: The Real Me: Do Men Really Want the “Real” Us?

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We are now entering season Four with episode 2 otherwise known as “fashion road kill”. You know, the episode where Carrie walks the runway and trips and falls and Heidi Klum steps over and keeps walking. Of course the guy she flirts with takes that opportunity to photograph her, when she is at her worst moment in the show.

It’s also the episode where Miranda meets a guy while she is at the gym looking her worst. She can’t possibly imagine why he’d be talking to her but he’s into her at her most natural self. It’s when she fancies up and talks up herself that he loses interest and disappears.

But what does that mean? We get dolled up, show our confidence and our sex appeal and think this is showing our best selves. But it’s not our most authentic. I’ve heard time and time again that guys like a more natural look. That certain fashion we adore, men hate. Let’s be honest ladies, we get our face “beat” and hair colored (or added to), heels on high because WE love the look. There is even a blog called man repeller devoted to fashion that women love but men not so much.

But the real us is nothing fancy. It’s not about being a certain way to impress another. It’s in the moments that we truly live for ourselves that we are at our best. This is why I struggle with the idea that we should dress or behave a certain way when dating. Sure having a certain look might get us more dates but if your goal is to one day meet your one what’s the need to be anything other than your most authentic self?

When I first watched this episode I didn’t understand what Miranda had done wrong. I just thought, what a jerk . And I still think he was a jerk (I mean he could have just said something). However, what I now come to understand is that Miranda had changed to impress him. Yet, it was who she was in the beginning that he admired. In her mind, she didn’t get how he could like that version of her, the real her.

I can imagine I’ve had experiences where I lead with an aspect of me that didn’t showcase the real me and things did not work. I have found that my most memorable relationships are those in which I did not start by “putting on a show” but was simply me. Finding a mate that appreciates that upfront is not always the easiest but then again, it lays proof to the saying, when you aren’t looking that’s when you will meet him/her. Who knows if that’s true but I say it’s a lot easier to live life being yourself; flaws, falls and all.

SATC Talk: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell – Should We Lie to Get Dates?

This is episode 12 of season three. The cringe worthy one where Carrie confesses to poor Adian that she’s been having an affair with Big. But that’s not what I focus on here. In this episode Miranda, the lawyer, goes on a speed dating event and finds the guys are bored with her as the lawyer but perk up when they hear she is a stewardess (of course she isn’t) and she lands a date to Charlotte’s wedding (it all is a mess at the end of course).

Buuut in a town like DC being a lawyer is a dime a dozen and yet we are very concerned about jobs. The first question after asking one’s name is, “So what do you do for a living?”. Yes, we can be pretentious and education snobs in this city of politicians and “game changers”. Our jobs can become our lives. I am often surprised at the amount of questions I get about my job from guys before they ask (assuming they ever ask) about anything else in my life. I noticeably see a difference in a guy’s conversation and tone when he hears the word lawyer. I am quick to correct and say that I don’t practice anymore but instead of the interest in me doing something not so “boring or aggressive” and more “sexy” as in the clip above there is more of a “oh you’re just being modest” feel and they want to know more.

DC folk like book smart folks with impressive jobs. Even though we all practically have the same jobs. Lawyer, government worker, doctor, something in politics, IT, engineer of some sort, military. Rinse and repeat. The appeal to have an “important” job has never been stronger in a town so I can picture someone beefing up their resume. I’ve had a few guys spin something like a contract data entry clerk into a business owner. I’ve had a few guys not want to divulge their jobs as well. I’m not that picky as long as it is legal and pays the bills  (I’m no ones suga mama)

However, let’s not limit it to jobs. D.C. is full of people who just “love” to workout. I mean, I do it but I don’t love it. It’s empowering and all but if I could take a pill that would make me toned, strong and healthy I would. So guys become really impressed when I tell them I jog. But I’m no liar I add that I also walk part of that workout too. I even had a guy ask to go on a first date jogging (da hell, that is so not Type A Cosmo Girl). In this town, I’d be ashamed to say I don’t work out.

And then there is the eating lifestyle. We DC people like to eat. Especially clean eating and cooking. I’m not a big cooker (I can but it bores me) but a question I usally get is “what do you like to cook”. Er, pasta, I dunno. I’ve seen guys limit their dating to women who are “clean eaters” or wanting a partner who eats grass just like they do. I had a friend mention going out on a date and a guy questioning her because she ordered the steak at dinner (she’s like a size 1, mind you). So sure, I take a little pride when I say I don’t eat red meat but avert my eyes when I admit I haven’t given up pork, yet, but I will, I swear. The judgement is real in these streets!

So would I lie to get a date? Nah, who wants to keep up the façade? But I truly understand the pressure in certain environments to want to lie. Yet, let’s be real, the person who you are really meant to be with will take you as the burger eating, random exerciser, that you are.

Decoding Man Part Three

And wow we enter the final part of decoding man. Below are the last set of questions I asked my male volunteers. By now we see the pattern. If in doubt, move on. Why waste the hair pulling, cocktail sessions with friends when you could be out having fun instead of complaining? Below are the questions, answers and my thoughts.

  1. Why do you just text me “hi” or “hey” or “how are you?” and then when I respond you don’t reply! Most guys stated that it’s a game. Of course some might then get busy (or fall asleep) and forgot about the text. but many said that the guy is just being whisy/washy. Or could be a drunk text.

Note the time you get those types of texts. I find they come at night. Either after 10pm on the weekdays or after 7pm on the weekend. Sometimes in the morning before work (in which case the busy excuse is believable and if it’s not too much later after 10pm the sleep excuse sounds plausible). It just seems like a guy throwing you a bone to let you know you aren’t erased from his mind and he’ll be in touch when he’s ready for you. I am not a fan of this and it’s no way to date or court a woman if this happens repeatedly (I’ve heard of this going on for months). Who wants to be on stand by?

not into you

2. When he cancels at the last minute and does not reschedule is he really just blowing me off/standing me up? Yep. If he was interested he would make every effort to make it up. He probably got a better/another offer. One said give it a few days to allow him to reschedule.

This one I knew and honestly don’t give a second chance if he doesn’t immediately reschedule (short of a family emergency). The longer he takes to reschedule the less interested he is. The later he cancels, the more inconsiderate he is (if I am in route to the meeting place and  he texts or calls and says he’s sick, that’s a no go. He knew he was sick well before 30 minutes before the date.)

3. Do men like to be pursued or do they prefer to do the chasing? Guys like to at least get hints of interest before they pursue but most of my respondents (and this was a shocker for me) like to be pursued/chased especially by the “right” woman.

Ok so I just need to put the Jane Austin/romance novels down because clearly they aren’t relevant in today’s world. I thought all I had to do was bat a Maybelline mascaraed eye lash and I was good. I will say that the married responders said they preferred to chase in their single days. Not sure what that means but it reaffirms my thoughts that if a guy is really interested he will make the effort.

So the morale of this mini series is that dating is actually not complicated. We just have to spend time focusing on guys who are really interested in us instead of banging our heads against the wall about men who are just playing games. The right guy for you doesn’t need decoding.

SATC Talk: Attack of the Five Foot Ten Woman- Can You Be Friends With An Ex

Remember a few post back when I talked about guys going ghost? I didn’t like it then. But here is when I do like it: when we break up. I prefer to believe that a guy just vanishes into thin air when we are no longer an item. Perhaps abducted by aliens, gone to middle earth, trapped in the Bermuda Triangle. I really don’t care. Just leave my eye sight. I don’t want to stalk you on social media or see you in pictures or hear about you from a third party. Uh, goodbye!

This episode, episode 3 of season 3, is a continuation of the season two finale (the Ex and the City) which I didn’t talk about. In the finale Carrie insists that she and Big can be friends after the painful breakup and the painful encounter of seeing him moving on with another woman (that part always gets me).

 Nor do I want to hear about his wonderful new relationship, the new house, the new baby. I don’t want to become bffs with your new woman. Carrie ask where the love goes just because you break up. I say who cares? I’m a total Charlotte and agree that part of the penalties of breakup is that the friendship is over. I’m speaking in generalities. Of course there are some situations where this might not be the case ( the breakup happened when you were teens and now you are more mature, you have shared kids or work together, not losing any coins – love that new term- over a breakup), but, for the most part, we need not be friends or share the same air space. Why? Well, this clip from the finale sums it up for me:

  

Who wants to relive old feelings or go down the dark road of what went wrong, why her over me? I know a few people who maintain friendships but often I wonder why. What place do these people have in your life? Sure, on TV everything is calm and friends become lovers and lovers become friends but it just doesn’t work that way that well. I don’t want my man all besties with his ex (and the longer they dated and the older they were the less I like it) and I’m sure he could take a pass on me just casually going to dinner with an ex…without him.

But in Season 3 Carrie somehow comes to peace with it all (allegedly) when her friends try to cover up the notice of his wedding to the new lady. And she is so evolved that she will even attend an event planned by his new wife. Nonsense, because this is what happens

  

I would not be fine. If I saw his nuptials in my local paper I’d be confused about why he was still alive. Why was news about a disappeared person so relevant? In essence, we are rarely cool with befriending or even hearing about the lives of our exs. Sure there are some instances where it can happen but for the most part if I don’t need to see you for anything of importance like shared children or work well, boy bye.

Decoding Man Part Two

So we enter second of a three part posting on dating questions answered by guys I know. If you recall I came to the conclusion in part one that some “mysterious” behavior we have encountered from some guys is just a sign that “he’s just not that into us” for various reasons. Here are some additional questions, answers and my takeaways.

  1. Why is he contacting me after “going ghost” for several months? (Going ghost means disappearing). He was in a relationship and now is not and you popped back on his mind. You might just be the person he goes to while he heals from the break up or that he made a mistake letting you slip away so soon. But most said, you are a contingency plan or “fall back chick”.

I have written a whole post on this idea of “going ghost”. I think just about every person in the dating world has encountered this (and even done this to someone). Regardless of the answer, the outcome is the same: there was someone else, you did not get the rose. And that’s fine. The question to ask yourself now is are you willing to be the second choice? Is it about ego? Because nine times out of ten , we are all someones next choice unless we started dating the person when we were 12 years old. It just sucks to know we are not the first choice. If you are willing to acknowlege a guy who reappears after going ghost then maybe acknowlege the elephant in the room (that he disappeared) and hear him out. Make sure he makes a real effort the second time around (while still being nice) and proceed with caution (because once they go ghost they can easily do it again).

2.Do guys really judge us on how we dress when we first meet them? The biggest response was yes. And sexy is preferred (I even had a guy mention wanting to see red). Another guy says “stay ready” even when going to the gym.

But we judge fellas too so it’s fair! Sure we want people to see the beauty inside and we can complain about how people are so superficial but I think it’s time we embrace the reality that looks matter. However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and fortunately (outside of what media shows us) we can have our own ideas of what we are attracted to. The key is just to showcase your best (while being authentic). You want a guy to remember your conversation but he’s also going to remember your eyes (or that cute red dress) so hit the at all angles!

3.Why does he only text and not call? Sign of the times. It’s easy and folks don’t like the phone like that (at least for talking) anymore. We multi task now. It also goes to nerves and one guy said he only talks to women he is serious about. On a more sinister note, he could also be in a relationship (with a live in woman or wife) and talking on the phone is then not an option. But that wasn’t the main response so I’d be hesitant to automatically go there in my mind (just don’t rule it out).

However, if you don’t see the guy often (maybe once a week or a couple times a month) and you don’t talk on the phone, how are you building a connection?  I don’t need to see a guy everyday but text are hardly a substitute to meeting face to face or talking on the phone. Especially in the beginning of the courtship.

I’ll admit I’m one of these people. If someone calls me I feel like its because something is wrong. I’d rather talk in person. Crazy how back in the day I could be on the phone to my boyfriend for hours darn near every night! Now if I talk to a guy for thirty/ sixty minutes I feel accomplished.

4. Are some guys lying when they say they are looking for something serious? Some might not lie but just not be prepared for what it really entails or they are looking for serious but just not with you. And some guys admitted that some men are lying so they can have sex with you.

The reality is pay more attention to what someone does over what they say. It’s so easy to say the sweetest things (or send the nicest text). It doesn’t take much.

My takeaway from this? Dating takes energy. And many of us (women and men) are getting lazy. If we put the effort in the payout can be fulfilling. And most importantly, if we really like someone we WILL make a way to stay connected. We won’t be able to help it. So if a guy goes ghost, he just wasn’t into you. There is no being too busy or didn’t feel like calling. He won’t be able to stay away. No mystery.