SATC Talk: The Post It Always Sticks Twice: Bad Ways To Break Up

satc-post-it-600x337Sigh, this is the saddest episode for me in this series, episode 7. I think any woman can relate to dating a guy and wanting to make it work so bad it just not happen. And then to add insult to injury, it ends in such a cold way. We women like to have closure and if you want to make us send a gypsy curse your way, break up with us in cold/cowardly manner.

So in this episode Carrie has just received the above note from her boyfriend after they make up from a silly fight. And that was the end of that relationship. Here she was thinking everything was great and she wakes up to this foolishness. As you will see in this clip, it’s not taken so well. And can you blame her?

I know you might think there is no right way to break up but I think there are decent ways to break up. We are in an age of emotional laziness but there has got to be a limit to how we treat our fellow humans. Breaking up by vanishing, sending a text, leaving a voicemail message, changing your status on facebook or leaving a note is just plain ignorant. If nothing else, it leaves bad karma. The longer/deeper the relationship, the more courage we have to find to end things in a dignified way. Sure, no one wants to have to have that talk or look into someone’s sad eyes but do it we must. It’s called being an adult. And you just never know who you will need in your life.

I’ve had some exs I probably never want to see again in life but that has nothing to do with the breakup and more to do with the fact that I just don’t like them. And even in that I made sure our breakup was as thoughtful and considerate as the situation allowed.

Sometimes an uncomfortable talk for a few minutes is a much better thing than the longevity of a tacky breakup. You just never know when you will need people again in your life. Why make an enemy unnecessarily?

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SATC Talk- Pick A Little, Talk A Little- He’s Just Not That Into You

Now we enter the final season (sniff sniff) and this is a favorite, season six episode 4. This episode (and the book) totally changed my outlook on dating. Granted sometimes I didn’t heed the signs but the trusty advice from this episode never failed me.

Now this is not a fun thing to think about and we women have spent ions telling each other what we want to hear (although the advice has gone more negative or more in line with the book the older we get). The guy didn’t call because he was afraid of commitment or he just likes you so much and wants to take it slow or he wants more of chase or *makes fart noise* who cares.

The end game is that dude did not follow through. Let’s be honest with each other. If he really likes you he will respond to your text in a reasonable amount of time and not 2 days later. His last minute canceling may happen but if he really likes you he will call you and reschedule when he has to cancel, not some short text with no future make up plans. If he isn’t asking you for a second date by at least a few days after the first date…eh, he’s not that deep into you. If he doesn’t bother to plan at least one date…well. Turn the page, he’s just not that into you.

Sure there are exceptions but keep your eyes open and your hopes in check. The reality is, and I’ve written about this before, we know what being desired feels like. A man who is into you will make sure you feel desired. It may not be in the way you want it but at last you’ll know it and feel it. If you have to ask then you already know the answer.

SATC Talk: I Love A Charade: Is Dating Out of Your “Type” Better?

Episode 8 of the 5th season is another favorite of mine. Where Charlotte met Harry, her not so instantly attractive divorce lawyer, later husband. She is not into him when they first meet but something changes as this scene below shows.

 

 

If I was a betting gal, I can tell you what it was but it won’t make me look good. Lean in close fellas, see sometimes we ladies like to be adored and desired (in a respectful way) and an average guy (in a well tailored suit) can go from Joe Schmo to Superman with just the right words and actions. In the age of anti-romance, a guy who puts in some effort can get a major pay off.

Now that’s the nice part. Here’s the other side of why Charlotte liked Harry.

He was not her usual type. And, let’s be real for a moment. There has been an instance in my life where I’ve gone for the guy I was not attracted to after he wore me down and did the right things and made me give a second, head tilted, look. And, somewhere deep, deep, deep down in the recesses of my mind I thought “heck maybe he will treat me better than the more obvious good looking guys.”

Let me stop you ladies with a reality check, a man’s looks does not define the level of treatment you will recieve. I, and a few of my friends, have gone down this path and been met with foul ends. See a non-committal type guy of any type of look is going to know how to play the game and capitalize on his best assets to win the gal. We women think in female logic and believe that if he doesn’t look like Chris Hemsworth (sigh, Thor) and he’s flirting with us then he’s probably a nicer guy, won’t cheat and all that jazz. Because in our minds, if we thought we weren’t that hot, we’d lead with another plus like our cooking skills or humor and be great partners because we’d be under the belief that it would be harder to attract a male eye.

*Shrugs*

Maybe this is true for females, but it is not true for men. We are expected to be pretty, men are expected to provide. Therefore, they lead with that aspect of themselves and this is why women aren’t as visually concerned as men. And at the end of this season we see that after Charlotte breaks down and admits to liking Harry, he says he could never marry her because she isn’t Jewish (she later converts, talk about love!). She asks why did he even pursue her then. He pretty much replies that he’s a dude and couldn’t help it.

Morale of the story? I’m not saying you might as well just go for the hot(ter) guys because guys you aren’t immediately attracted to will break your heart as well. That would be shallow. I am saying, don’t judge a book by its cover. In the pursuit of love, looks (or lack their of) really doesn’t have much to do with it.

SATC Talk: Unoriginal Sin: Does Self help really help?

Episode 2 of season 5 finds Carrie in one of her most cynical moments. She side eyes Samantha for taking her ex back and begrudgingly goes to a self help seminar on positivity (The Secret?) with Charlotte. Charlotte, having divorced her husband Trey, is in a fragile state. She’d been reading her self help guides, practicing her daily affirmations and still wasn’t in the positive spirits with hope of finding love. So she goes to this seminar and tells the speaker that she’s trying but this positivity thing isn’t working. The speaker insists that she just really isn’t giving it her all. This upsets Carrie who stands up and says Charlotte is doing everything she can (“oh she’s out there”).

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I do believe in the power of positive thinking (if you’ve followed my blog I did a mini series on my takeaway from The Secret). However I also understand how things are easier said than done. I’ve read many a guidebook and been to a few seminars and tried every bit of advice I’ve been given. But there comes a point when you hit the cynic wall. I come from a generation that wants results sooner rather than later. I work out and I want to see ripped abs immediately. I take a dose of my cold medicine and I want to be able to breath right after I swallow that pill. I read The Secret and I want instant happiness and goal achievement. Nothing is worse than that feeling of giving something your all and getting nothing out of it.

And to add to that pain is being told that you really aren’t doing all you can do. Sure these speakers, coaches and writers want to prove that they are offering a fail proof solution on finding happiness so why would they admit that their logic isn’t all the way sound. I can run holes in some of the logic of The Secret no matter how lovely the idea of the Law of Attraction may be. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  And even more, sometimes the things we desire the most just don’t happen for us. There is a singer who can sing laps around Beyoncé and perform even better who may never get her fanfare. The next MLK in the works won’t get the following because his twitter page isn’t popular or he doesn’t have a program on CNN.

Now I don’t advocate giving up or hopelessness. But I’m starting to come to the realization that just because I put my thoughts and energy into something doesn’t mean it will happen. The better advice is to help people accept the things they can not change  (at least for the time being) and truly be at peace with where their life is after they have made all efforts to reach their happiness. No one person has all the answers and there is no guide or fool proof plan to having the perfect life but patience (and being open to receive good) is gold.

SATC Talk: Anchors Away: Dating Yourself

So we start Season 5 with Carrie single after her final break up with Aiden and Mr. Big leaving NYC. She decides to take a step back from men and focus on her. I’ve written about this idea before, taking a break from focusing on dating to enjoy other parts of life. When society tells us that we should be only focusing on finding a mate and hurrying up to have kids, the whole world of dating can be quite overwhelming. It can also become depressing if we aren’t reaching our romantic goals.

But when dating stops being fun because we have waded through so much muck then taking a step back and changing our perspective is always ideal.

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So it was actually this episode that gave me the idea of going out alone and taking myself places. Don’t get me wrong, I love a great date, but there is something empowering about living life and carrying on even without a mate. In this episode Carrie goes to the museum, the movies, out to eat and turns down a guy because she’s just doing her own thing.

For the solo beginners here are some good date yourself ideas that get you in tune with yourself:

1) Go to the museum- preferably one that caters to something of interest to you. I actually prefer going to the museum alone. If I’m on a date I’m not really emerged into the art and you have to go at the pace of the other person which can be boring if they are slower at appreciating the art than you.

2) Go out to eat- Now if I do this, I’m going to the bar. I haven’t gotten the courage to eat at a table by myself. Going early if you feel awkward about it might be easiest as well.

3)Go to the movies- This I’ve come to do without a problem, particularly an early matinee. I had a friend who was bold enough to do this on a weekend night. I’m not quite there yet…

4)Go to a festival/fair- I’ve done this. Again, it can be a fun stroll around the sites and you get to go at your own pace.

5)Got to a small concert or a play- I had a friend who went to a concert at a large arena and had a great time. For a beginner a smaller venue might be an easier option

I’m sure there are many other date yourself activities to try. Don’t let being single scare you away from living your life and if you are taking a needed break from dating to regroup from a broken heart sometimes going out on your own can be healing. Any other ideas of good date yourself things to do?